Knoxville’s only ecumenical workout group, the Ulster Project Workout Group, has reported a busy and productive Easter Season. The Ulster Project Workout Group, led by the Very Rev David Boettner of Sacred Heart Catholic Cathedral and the Very Rev John Ross of St Johns Episcopal Cathedral, was formed to help bridge the terrible sectarian violence and strife that has plagued many of the local workout facilities around Knoxville. “The closing of 180 Fitness, a well known Protestant health club, was the catalyst for the formation of this group”, reported Father David. “After the closing of 180 Fitness, there was no way that I could go to the Rush Fitness, since everyone knows that it is a Catholic stronghold, so we created this group to workout at RBI” said Father John. In this season of resurrection and renewal, the Ulster Project was pleased to announce, to everyone’s shock and delight, the return of Cory “the Baptist” Bond. Cory the Baptist, after having been reported missing and presumed dead, has actually been living for the past 40 weeks in the wilderness while facing ongoing temptations from beer and pizza. His triumphant return and entry into the gates of RBI was reported by many who witnessed it as “miraculous” and has have given hope to others that are thought to be lost. Despite the joy in the return of Cory the Baptist, rumors from RBI headquarters are that it could be a catalyst for a potential schism of the Ulster Project Workout Group. Apparently the papist contingent is putting a hard sell on Cory the Baptist for a conversion. “Sure, I love Sacred Heart Cathedral and attend regularly since I am sleeping with a parishioner, but as a Baptist, I am still used to having communion once every three months with grape juice in plastic cups”, reported Cory the Baptist. Father John continues to make a push for Cory the Baptist by pointing out the ability for him to enjoy a hearty and guilt free steak for lunch on Fridays during Lent. Everyone is hoping that such differences can be settled amicably with the Ulster Group so that they can continue their mission of saving other missing workout group members. As of this writing, the group is planning a mission to the hinterlands to seek out and return the notorious money changer named Gary Parker. Verily, it is written that the Lord smote Parker and he became cursed with excessive gas and flatulence and was banished to the wilderness of Blount County. Let’s hope the group can pull off yet another recovery effort with this lost soul.
