Step off...

Don stepped on the wrong guy's treadmill this morning. While Gary was cranking through his pushups and crunches, Don jumped on his idle treadmill. Bad move.



At first, Gary casually made a comment about the treadmill swipe. Almost jokingly, he said, "Pitty a fool that steal my treadmill," but before long, he was racing through his strides huffing under his breath, "Step off, bitch!" After warmup, Gary lingered in the shadows of the stairway to settle his score with Holececk; however, Don's "broken watch" paid off this day. Because, apparently, while in wait, Gary fell victim to one of his own noxiuos emissions leading to his temporary loss of consciousness.

After narrowly surviving the impeachment vote, Gary has to stay on his best behavior, but that did not stop him from making the challenge heard half way around the gym: "Locker room after boot camp." Don, however, did not hear the challenge because after fixing his "broken watch" he left the workout fifteen minutes early.

Rumor has it that Gary is going to challenge Holececk again on Wednesday, "Parking lot, 7:00."

With the latest blog entry by Greg, I am saddened to see a new low in the viciousness of personal attacks on this blog. Before this entry, there were some good natured back and forth jabs between the various groups, but the latest comment represents an unsubstantiated and unprovoked attack on the good character of one of the leaders and founders of the advanced group, Ken “The Body."

I have not commented on this blog previously, but these comments are really unwarranted and I feel deserve a response. I don’t know of anyone who conducts themselves with more integrity and an attitude of “Think Clean”, than Ken “The Body." This “Think Clean” attitude is not just displayed in his personal life and career, but also in his workout routine. To think that Ken “The Body” uses performance enhancing chemicals (Viagra prescriptions excluded) is unwarranted and unfounded. However, I would like to shed some secrets of the “advanced” group that might better explain some of the incredible advances in strength and stamina that members of the “beginners” group have rightly (and enviously) noted. If you were to arrive at one of our 5:30 am group warm up and planning sessions, you might note some members of the “advanced” group receiving injections in their buttocks. This is nothing more than B-12 shots to help get the day started with an adequate dose of vitamins, but I can see how this might create some confusion as to the possible use of enhancements. The cream that you might see other members of the “advanced” group rubbing on their body is nothing more than a highly effective anti-fungal cream that offers outstanding protection while working out and using the shower facilities at 180 Fitness. It should be noted that all members of the advanced group are certified free of athlete’s foot and jock itch as a result of carefully following this weekly program.

The increase in aggression, hair loss, and back acne by certain members of the “advanced” group have more to do with life frustrations, age, and heavy sweating, respectively, than from the use of performance enhancements as suggested by the post. The marked shrinkage in testicular size experienced by certain members of the group, however, is still yet unexplained. The highly regarded Knoxville urologist Christopher Harris, M.D., F.A.C.S. was recently invited into the “advanced” group to investigate this phenomenon and also serve as the group’s medical director and consultant on optimal Viagra dosage levels.

Lastly, I feel the need to respond to a personal attack and cheap shot in the latest entry. As most everyone in the Knoxville area knows, the Bearden High School band, with its fancy uniforms and hats, innovative marching routines, beautiful majorettes, and precision flag twirlers, is a much sought-after group to be a part of while in high school. Unfortunately, as Greg knows very well, I did not have the required musical talent or social standing to be a part of the Bearden band during my high school days and was shunned by most of the band elites during this formative period of my life. As a result, I was forced instead to try to and find companionship and camaraderie by playing sports, hanging out with my friends, and dating girls instead being a part of this elitist group that got to have fun at band camp in the summer and had reserved seats and got to wear their cool uniforms at high school football games in the fall. Thanks a lot Greg for opening up these old wounds just when I was starting to get over this rejection. Can’t we leave high school issues behind and just work out together like the adults we are today?

Ken "Barry" B*die

With all the speculation surrounding Barry Bonds these days, I started drawing parallels between Barry Bonds and Ken B*die. On day one, we came into boot camp and we were placed in a class with the "advanced" group. When they said "advanced" I thought they were talking about their age because everyone in their group is a card carrying member of the AARP. But after 1 hour I realized something was amiss. Then I began noticing some strange things within the group such as David Jone's superhuman core. Wasn't he in the band in High School? Justin, their trainer, was a likable young man with a full head of hair but after several weeks I noticed his hair and his personality degraded at a rapid rate. He makes Lyle Alzado seem like a greeter at Wal-mart. Then Francis just comes right in and skips the amateur group and goes directly to the big leagues. I guess UT football players never use steroids. That is when I decided to research steroids and performance enhancing drugs.

This is what I found:

1. Steroid use causes heart attacks (How many have you had, Mr. B*die?)
2. Steroid use causes aggressive and combative behavior (Read Ken's posts)
3. Steroid use causes impotence (I really do not need to comment here)
4. Steroid use causes hair loss (Busted, Mr. B*die!)

I know that B*die will never admit to "knowingly" taking performance enhancing drugs but I think he owes the other weekend warriors an apology. The real victims are the Holecek's and the Floyd's of the world. They have come to this Boot camp with a clean conscience and a clean urinalysis!

The Morning After: Walk of Shame

There is something about the morning after you "strap on" that makes you walk a little funny--a little slower, a little more deliberate, and with with a sentiment somewhere between despair and anger.

Gary Barely Survives Impeachment Vote

Gary, a member of the early boot camp group, barely survived today's impeachment vote (5-4). It was reported that several anonymous members of the early workout group wanted to remove Gary from their group due to his recurring flatulence problem. One member reported that he was "fed up with having to inhale nauseous gases while attempting to perform push-ups on the Bosu ball."

The official vote record reported that the initial tally was deadlocked at 4-4 and that the final vote went in Gary's favor AFTER he agreed to a nightly dose of Beano http://www.beanogas.com.

Gary also agreed that if he has any future flatulence problems, he would be reassigned to the "Seven Fat Guys" workout group. Gary commented that "he really likes companionship while he works out and that the threat of having to workout alone would keep his gases in check."

Only time will tell if Gary can hold his word (and his gases).