Happy Birthday Dr. Jones!

On October 8, 2007, Dr. David Jones (pictured) turned 40 years of age. Obviously Dr. Jones is in perfect health. When asked how he has kept his 'youthful image', Dr. Jones gave credit to Performance Training Group for their intense workouts, and his lovely wife for their daily 'picnics' at home.

Happy Belated Birthday, Dr. Jones!

Armstrong OUTED!

It appears that David Armstrong, previously known as "Lance" Armstrong, is really more like "Louis" Armstrong.

David Jones was not able to participate in the marching band at Bearden High School because David Armstrong (pictured back row top right) took the ninth and final spot in the Clarinet section of the prestigious Bearden High School Marching Band. According to past band members, Jones would have been next in line if Armstrong had not been in the competition for the coveted spot.

This explains why Jones has insisted that the "7 Fat Guys" not work out with the advanced group as past wounds take time to heal.

Step off...

Don stepped on the wrong guy's treadmill this morning. While Gary was cranking through his pushups and crunches, Don jumped on his idle treadmill. Bad move.



At first, Gary casually made a comment about the treadmill swipe. Almost jokingly, he said, "Pitty a fool that steal my treadmill," but before long, he was racing through his strides huffing under his breath, "Step off, bitch!" After warmup, Gary lingered in the shadows of the stairway to settle his score with Holececk; however, Don's "broken watch" paid off this day. Because, apparently, while in wait, Gary fell victim to one of his own noxiuos emissions leading to his temporary loss of consciousness.

After narrowly surviving the impeachment vote, Gary has to stay on his best behavior, but that did not stop him from making the challenge heard half way around the gym: "Locker room after boot camp." Don, however, did not hear the challenge because after fixing his "broken watch" he left the workout fifteen minutes early.

Rumor has it that Gary is going to challenge Holececk again on Wednesday, "Parking lot, 7:00."

With the latest blog entry by Greg, I am saddened to see a new low in the viciousness of personal attacks on this blog. Before this entry, there were some good natured back and forth jabs between the various groups, but the latest comment represents an unsubstantiated and unprovoked attack on the good character of one of the leaders and founders of the advanced group, Ken “The Body."

I have not commented on this blog previously, but these comments are really unwarranted and I feel deserve a response. I don’t know of anyone who conducts themselves with more integrity and an attitude of “Think Clean”, than Ken “The Body." This “Think Clean” attitude is not just displayed in his personal life and career, but also in his workout routine. To think that Ken “The Body” uses performance enhancing chemicals (Viagra prescriptions excluded) is unwarranted and unfounded. However, I would like to shed some secrets of the “advanced” group that might better explain some of the incredible advances in strength and stamina that members of the “beginners” group have rightly (and enviously) noted. If you were to arrive at one of our 5:30 am group warm up and planning sessions, you might note some members of the “advanced” group receiving injections in their buttocks. This is nothing more than B-12 shots to help get the day started with an adequate dose of vitamins, but I can see how this might create some confusion as to the possible use of enhancements. The cream that you might see other members of the “advanced” group rubbing on their body is nothing more than a highly effective anti-fungal cream that offers outstanding protection while working out and using the shower facilities at 180 Fitness. It should be noted that all members of the advanced group are certified free of athlete’s foot and jock itch as a result of carefully following this weekly program.

The increase in aggression, hair loss, and back acne by certain members of the “advanced” group have more to do with life frustrations, age, and heavy sweating, respectively, than from the use of performance enhancements as suggested by the post. The marked shrinkage in testicular size experienced by certain members of the group, however, is still yet unexplained. The highly regarded Knoxville urologist Christopher Harris, M.D., F.A.C.S. was recently invited into the “advanced” group to investigate this phenomenon and also serve as the group’s medical director and consultant on optimal Viagra dosage levels.

Lastly, I feel the need to respond to a personal attack and cheap shot in the latest entry. As most everyone in the Knoxville area knows, the Bearden High School band, with its fancy uniforms and hats, innovative marching routines, beautiful majorettes, and precision flag twirlers, is a much sought-after group to be a part of while in high school. Unfortunately, as Greg knows very well, I did not have the required musical talent or social standing to be a part of the Bearden band during my high school days and was shunned by most of the band elites during this formative period of my life. As a result, I was forced instead to try to and find companionship and camaraderie by playing sports, hanging out with my friends, and dating girls instead being a part of this elitist group that got to have fun at band camp in the summer and had reserved seats and got to wear their cool uniforms at high school football games in the fall. Thanks a lot Greg for opening up these old wounds just when I was starting to get over this rejection. Can’t we leave high school issues behind and just work out together like the adults we are today?

Ken "Barry" B*die

With all the speculation surrounding Barry Bonds these days, I started drawing parallels between Barry Bonds and Ken B*die. On day one, we came into boot camp and we were placed in a class with the "advanced" group. When they said "advanced" I thought they were talking about their age because everyone in their group is a card carrying member of the AARP. But after 1 hour I realized something was amiss. Then I began noticing some strange things within the group such as David Jone's superhuman core. Wasn't he in the band in High School? Justin, their trainer, was a likable young man with a full head of hair but after several weeks I noticed his hair and his personality degraded at a rapid rate. He makes Lyle Alzado seem like a greeter at Wal-mart. Then Francis just comes right in and skips the amateur group and goes directly to the big leagues. I guess UT football players never use steroids. That is when I decided to research steroids and performance enhancing drugs.

This is what I found:

1. Steroid use causes heart attacks (How many have you had, Mr. B*die?)
2. Steroid use causes aggressive and combative behavior (Read Ken's posts)
3. Steroid use causes impotence (I really do not need to comment here)
4. Steroid use causes hair loss (Busted, Mr. B*die!)

I know that B*die will never admit to "knowingly" taking performance enhancing drugs but I think he owes the other weekend warriors an apology. The real victims are the Holecek's and the Floyd's of the world. They have come to this Boot camp with a clean conscience and a clean urinalysis!

The Morning After: Walk of Shame

There is something about the morning after you "strap on" that makes you walk a little funny--a little slower, a little more deliberate, and with with a sentiment somewhere between despair and anger.

Gary Barely Survives Impeachment Vote

Gary, a member of the early boot camp group, barely survived today's impeachment vote (5-4). It was reported that several anonymous members of the early workout group wanted to remove Gary from their group due to his recurring flatulence problem. One member reported that he was "fed up with having to inhale nauseous gases while attempting to perform push-ups on the Bosu ball."

The official vote record reported that the initial tally was deadlocked at 4-4 and that the final vote went in Gary's favor AFTER he agreed to a nightly dose of Beano http://www.beanogas.com.

Gary also agreed that if he has any future flatulence problems, he would be reassigned to the "Seven Fat Guys" workout group. Gary commented that "he really likes companionship while he works out and that the threat of having to workout alone would keep his gases in check."

Only time will tell if Gary can hold his word (and his gases).

Roll Call for Monday July 30th

On Monday, July 30th, Donald and an unidentified friend were the only members of the original 7 Fat Guys to show up. It appears that Greg may have hired someone to actually perform his workouts for him....

When Don was questioned about Greg's whereabouts, he insinuated that Greg is back in rehab with Lindsay Lohan.

Get better soon Greg!

Greg Resumes Bootcamp Workout Schedule

CNN and Fox News are reporting that Greg, the leader of the original 7 Fat Guys, has returned from injury and resumed workouts. Based on the picture, it appears that Greg may have been away at a FAT FARM melting pounds away, all the while pretending to be injured. Both news agencies attempted to contact Greg for an interview, but he declined.

In a related story, the early bootcamp group has put out an ALL POINTS BULLETIN begging for the return of Justin to lead their workouts. It appears that the group has been upset with the excercises that Hans and Brian have been teaching. It was reported that Hans has changed his hour of instruction to include only his greatest hits featuring such excercises as "The Wheel of Torture" and "Russian Leans". Shortly after Hans led this group, David Jones and Daniel Carter went AWOL.

Brian on the otherhand, has trouble with math as his 45 second timed exercises seem to go on for minutes at a time. The group has a suggestion for Brian, learn to count or end up like Alex (who went missing shortly after he implemented the never-ending bridge and roll exercise).

The last man standing is David.

It appears that the original 7 fat guys were nothing more than 7 Rosie O'Donnells. Today the last man standing (who was not one of the original 7) was David Armstrong.

I knew that you fat lazy asses would not last. You are probably home watching the View. David had his own personal trainer and by the end of the session looked like Lance Armstrong.

When I asked David where you all were he rattled off a list of ailments including back problems, rotator cuff problems and knee surgery just to mention a few.

My money says you fat asses will never be back.

For the rest of us...

Since "rotator cuff," "strained back," "short-staffed," and "got an iPhone" are all taken, we are going to have to get creative with any more excuses. Fortunately, we can go here and for $25 we can come up with a few more.

Jonesy

Good work, Jones. Glad to know that you are keeping the integrity of the Wednesday no-show award. We were all getting concerned, for a few days there, that you were actually going to be a regular.

Case of the Mondays Wednesdays.

Thanks, Audrey, I had a good thing going keeping the fluid inside my body.




By the way Greg, you picked a great day to miss. I don't think you would have fared too well with the inchworm considering certain crab crawl performances. For your effort today you win the Jonesy.

Weekly Rosie Award

Blaise raises/lowers the bar all at once!

This week's Rosie was a difficult choice until I drove by Blaise's house. All morning I was concerned that his rotator cuff was strained to the point of no return. However, when I drove by Blaise's house, I noticed a new boat in the garage. Then I happened to talk to his wife at work and inquired about the new purchase. She explained they had a great time yesterday on the lake but Blaise was a little sore from KNEEBOARDING on Sunday! I am no doctor but I am pretty sure that kneeboarding requires some effort by your shoulders also???

Congratulations, Blaise, this Rosie's for you!

Honorable Mention: Me (I was talking to Bodie at the end of the workout and vomited a little bit in my mouth. I am not sure if it was the workout or Bodie.)

Rosie O'Donnell Workout Award

Blaise Wins!

As Jason stated in our workout he graciously attended this morning, we would be remiss in not ragging Blaise Burch's ass! Therefore, since he did not show up this morning, he becomes the first recipient of the Rosie O'Donnell Workout Award. This award is given to anyone who has shown physical traits that are similar to a man but their determination and motivation resembles the courage and strength of a chick. Congratulations, Blaise you earned this award, you slack ass!

Honorable Mention: Ken (Just for being a bitch)

One other observation

One other observation I have made. Don seems to be most improved as he no longer lays on the big workout ball wimpering between what are supposed to be push-ups.

Suggest you change your group name

After watching seven fat guys workout for a few weeks and hearing all of the whining and complaining, I think you should change your blog name to six fat girls + one new guy (Armstrong) who doesn't know any better! Oh, wait a minute, I just realized that you already had one guy (girl) drop out, so it may be six fat girls!!!

New Addition to the English Language

jones:

Pronunciation: 'jOnz
Function: verb
Etymology: Sevier County

1. To make a commitment, keep talking smack and then not show up for 4 straight Wednesdays
2. To have an intense hatred of Wednesday mornings and/or exercise
3. The act of repeatedly hitting the snooze button over and over without getting out of bed like a prepubescent little girl.
4. To act like a marine but work out like Rosie O'Donnell.

Use in a sentence:
"I was thinking about working out this morning but I jones'd it. Instead I went to Ihop and ate some pigs in a blanket with a side of bacon and gravy!"

Shit List Updates

Added: Jason
Reason: Telling me the wrong time for today's boot camp, and then leaving me alone with Alex.

Chat with jason

May 29 (16 hours ago)
4:28 PM me: hey
4:29 PM are we going at 6 or 7 in the morning
jjones: 7 is the word I got
4:30 PM according to Greg's email anyway- its starts at 7 every day tomorrow and after

Added: Justin
Reason: Bear Crawls.

Shiny Can

O shiny can, cold with ice stuck to your firm walls
I think of you every morning while sweating balls
The crisp swish of your popping top
gives me strength for the next burpee hop

Every push of the stretch band lateral raise
Reminds me of the better days
When you and I and the reclining chair
Would waste away at the Plasma stare

To all our great memories, I do lament
While balancing on Bosu I could not forget
All of the good times now wasting away
With a variety of crunches every day

Bad Idea Jeans

Well today went a little bit better than last Wednesday. I believe one lung collapsed and my heart stopped beating only twice. I think this is progress!

This whole boot camp reminds me of the SNL skit from the early 1990's called BAD IDEA Jeans. I would be the dumb guy without condoms and Justin would be the little Haitian girl who is ready to party.

Are you kidding me?

4:30 AM brought the happy news of cramps and pain. My muscles squared off with my brain and reminisced the 12 oz. curls of days before. My body had one simple question, "Are you freaking kidding me? You have led me down the path of self gratification for years and suddenly you want to get in shape." Then, my left arm gave me the finger, which was observed through a muscle spasm in my bicep. As to say, knock it off--jack off.

Boot Camp Beating

This morning the beatings began. Under duress and coercion we set aside the miller lites and made our way to the gym for the self-inflicted agony of boot camp.

When Greg first "recruited" me the idea was that the boot camps would be at 6:00 PM. When he finalized the plans, he, in fact, slipped in the AM part of the deal. 5:00 am was a brutal reminder of my stupidity, but I had committed.

"Boot camp" kicked off with a smooth ride on the stationary bikes. Our "drill sargents" reflected the softer, kinder side of the military. We then moved to some floor exercises, which consisted of lunges, wall chairs, bench presses, and other fun and humiliating exercises. The sad part is that none of these exercises would have been hard 15 years ago, but today they are nearly KILLED me.

We ran a few laps and I thought we were going to hit the showers after the rotating exercises, but then the instructors guided us to the converted racquetball court. Converted into what you may ask--Death Chamber. They made the room look nice with colorful patterned carpet, but it was all a rouse. They lined us up on our backs like seven turtles flipped on their shells squirming. As dreaded death came in the form of various abdominal exercises, we squirmed, moaned, and ultimately laid their crying.

Now, we just play the waiting game. Come, sweet pain, come. Then, in two days it all starts again.