“Roid-Rage” in Africa, 50+ Animals Dead, Myers Injured

AP Wire, Knoxville, TN

What began as a “sight-seeing” Safari tour in Africa turned deadly for over fifty innocent animals ranging from Giraffes to Zebras. It appears that once again, illegal steroid use was the cause of spontaneous violence.

According to witnesses, Dr. W. , a member of the Advanced Work-Out Group from Cherokee Country Club, Knoxville, TN, experienced involuntary rage while participating in an innocent wild-life sightseeing tour in Africa this past July. Allegedly Dr. W. had not worked out in several days and his pent up rage caused him to overtake the Safari guide and abscond with his high-powered rifle. When all the smoke cleared, over fifty wild animals (of which several were endangered) were dead.

When told of Dr. W's acts, fellow work-out companion, David J., had the following statement:

“I am not surprised that Dr. W experienced this bout of rage. On several occasions Dr. W. has threatened me as I was not able to perform the ‘full body length pull-ups’ to his satisfaction. I feared if he went more than two days without working-out to release his rage that someone, or something, was going to be in danger. It saddens me that several innocent animals were killed just because Dr. W. could not exercise his steroid induced demons under the guidance of B-Rod, his personal trainer. This explains why Dr. W has not been attending our work-out sessions the past few weeks.”

Local authorities were finally able to restrain Dr. W. after he pulled several back and chest muscles trying to lift his kill into the back of the sight-seeing all-terrain vehicle. Dr. W. is being held in Africa until his court date of August 15th.

RBI v. CCC

Today we welcome a special guest Blogger, Mr. Jerry Bodie, to the workout group blog, with an update on recent developments from the RBI workout group.

Knoxville, Tenn. - July 6, 2010 -- Ken Bodie, CEO and founding member of the Advanced Workout Group formally of 180 Fitness and now firmly ensconced at the exclusive Cherokee Country Club visited the other side of the tracks today at the RBI facility. RBI is managed by Performance Training who also happens to manage the CCC Fitness Center. Mr. Bodie appeared unannounced at RBI and demanded he be allowed to work out with the group he has dubbed "Jerry's Kids". His comment was that since he was leaving on another "business" trip, he needed a rather light workout prior to boarding his First Class flight to Stockholm. This was of course after a tirade about the lack of bottled spring water, fresh fruit, clean towels and LaVazaa Italian coffee at the RBI facility. In addition, Ken wondered where the group got their shoes shined on a regular basis as JuneBug was nowhere to be seen.

Bryan Rodriguez, Director of the RBI facility and trainer for both the Advanced Workout Group and "Jerry's Kids" succumbed to Mr. Bodie's demands and proceeded to pair Ken with Miss Elise Icuss, the only female member of Jerry's Kids.

The workout regiment proceeded as normal and about halfway through Mr. Bodie could be heard using the language accustomed to that heard normally at the 6 a.m. workout at CCC. Mr. Rodriguez made note of the fact that even though both Father David Boettner and Father John Ross were absent, he would not tolerate that kind of mouth in front of Miss Icuss. Miss Icuss proceeded to complete her plate pushes 25 minutes ahead of Mr. Bodie.

After the Jerry's Kids workout, Ken proceeded directly to Cherokee Country Club, where he promptly complained to the Chairman of the House Committee that there needed to be two sets of handrails on the steps leading to the Men's Locker Room as he struggled to keep from falling. The Chairman reminded Mr. Bodie of the elevator maintained for those older members unable to maneuver stairs on a regular basis.

Ken was also overheard in the Locker Room mumbling something about the Knox County Rescue Squad and had they arrived yet. After reviving Mr. Bodie, JuneBug made sure he had his fruit and coffee before he was allowed to leave the Club.

An e-mail from Ken was sent to RBI around 2:00 p.m. today from the Crown Room in Atlanta that stated the following: "I will NOT be joining you there (RBI) ever again. I believe the lack of air conditioning has affected Byran's brain as Superman would complain about 25 plate pushes."

Miss Icuss' response to that e-mail was pretty straight forward: "I thought Mr. Ken had been working out on a regular basis for the past 3 ½ years. Obviously I was mistaken. I'm so sorry to have finished my plate pushes so much sooner that he did. Had I known it would have demoralized him in such a fashion, I honestly would have slacked off!"

As of Noon today, "Jerry's Kids" will here forth be known and recognized as the "Super Advanced Workout Group".

FAMOUS ROYS

Roy Orbison

Roy Rogers

Roy Clark

Roy Biggins

and the most famous of all:

Bruce ROY Hartmann

GOOD LUCK, JOHN FELTON!!!!

The members and staff of the Advanced Workout Group would like to take a moment to wish John Felton good luck in this weekend’s Big Splash Contest being held Sunday July 4, 2010 at Cherokee Country Club pool. As one of the newest members of the Advanced Workout Group, John has been training extremely hard over the past few weeks for this upcoming competition, with good reason. Like other familiar dynasties that have great championship runs (UCLA, Yankees, Bulls, et. al), John is aware of the value of hard work in retaining his championship title year after year. The recent training overseen by his personal coach Bryan Rodriguez including box jumps and impressive sets of mountain climbers will certainly add to both John’s spring height and form off the board this year. With 15 consecutive Big Splash Contest wins under his swimsuit, John once again enters the 2010 contest as the odds on favorite. With his unbeatable combination of bulk, springing ability, and technique, he is a true artist when delivering his patented “Felton Can opener” to the delight of both young and old in the audience at the pool. Much like Augusta National tried to tame Tiger by redoing the golf course; it appears that Cherokee is trying to interject some competetion into this year’s Big Splash contest by locking down the diving board adjustment, which will force John to work with a much springier diving board this year. John’s dedication to the event was evident this morning as he opted out of his usual 6 a.m. Friday morning workout to save his energy to ensure he is at the peak of his springing ability on Sunday. Good luck John. We look forward to seeing a 16th consecutive championship 6 pack of beer get awarded to you on Sunday.

Workout Group Takeover Announced

Media Inquires: Bruce Hartman 584-4637

Knoxville, TN – June 7, 2010 -- In a sudden and surprising move, the Advanced Workout Group announced earlier today the supervised acquisition of all of the remaining assets of the Fitness Amateur Training Group (the “FAT Group”), pictured to the right in their last official group photo. The move comes after several weeks of intense negotiations by the management and board of directors of the FAT Group with others in hopes of keeping the FAT Group’s independence. These negotiations were prompted by the deteriorating condition of the FAT Group over the past several weeks due to the ongoing loss of members from such tragic conditions as male yeast infection and chronic jet lag. The group’s decline could not even be stemmed by such novel innovations as making the FAT Group co-ed with the admission of its first female member. When it became evident that the FAT Group could not survive as a viable entity, the regulatory authorities at Cherokee Country Club, led by Fitness Committee chair Mark Haun, placed the FAT Group into receivership and brokered the late night deal with the Advanced Workout Group to assume the remaining assets. Under the arrangement, the FAT Group will become a wholly owned subsidiary of the Advanced Workout Group and Cherokee Country Club will retain and be responsible for all toxic assets and liabilities of the FAT Group. Although no severance will be provided for the non-acquired members and other assets of the FAT Group, the final negotiations resulted in allowing for continued access to the steam room, towels, and free coffee. The transaction was structured over the holiday weekend so that normal operations resumed on Wednesday morning. Still to be determined is what potential impact this unprecedented arrangement could have on the existing membership on the Fitness Committee and Cherokee Board for certain members of the FAT Group, and if any conflict of interests existed as a result of the arrangement.

Ken Bodie, CEO, of the Advanced Workout Group, said in a statement, “We were pleased to acquire the remaining viable assets of FAT Group and believe that the John “Grape Ape” Felton and Dr. Wallin “Drill ‘Em” Myers will be able to be integrated very quickly into our operations. Like others, we have been watching the deterioration of the FAT Group with great concern about what kind of disruption it would create in the workout room. We are pleased that the authorities at Cherokee also recognized this potential problem and made arrangements that protect the interests of the Advanced Workout Group and its shareholders and the members of Cherokee Country Club. We do not expect this transaction to be accretive to our earnings in the near term.”

Sources indicate that the initial workout on Wednesday went as well as could be expected and the members of the Advanced Workout Group were gracious hosts to their new members, although the new members remained temporarily quarantined and were forced to work out within their own separate group. After the initial training period covering such topics as minimum attendance, repetition counting, clothing, steam room operations, and sweat wiping etiquette, it is expected that the former members of FAT Group will become fully integrated into the Advanced Workout Group.

Cory the Baptist Returns!!!

Knoxville’s only ecumenical workout group, the Ulster Project Workout Group, has reported a busy and productive Easter Season. The Ulster Project Workout Group, led by the Very Rev David Boettner of Sacred Heart Catholic Cathedral and the Very Rev John Ross of St Johns Episcopal Cathedral, was formed to help bridge the terrible sectarian violence and strife that has plagued many of the local workout facilities around Knoxville. “The closing of 180 Fitness, a well known Protestant health club, was the catalyst for the formation of this group”, reported Father David. “After the closing of 180 Fitness, there was no way that I could go to the Rush Fitness, since everyone knows that it is a Catholic stronghold, so we created this group to workout at RBI” said Father John. In this season of resurrection and renewal, the Ulster Project was pleased to announce, to everyone’s shock and delight, the return of Cory “the Baptist” Bond. Cory the Baptist, after having been reported missing and presumed dead, has actually been living for the past 40 weeks in the wilderness while facing ongoing temptations from beer and pizza. His triumphant return and entry into the gates of RBI was reported by many who witnessed it as “miraculous” and has have given hope to others that are thought to be lost. Despite the joy in the return of Cory the Baptist, rumors from RBI headquarters are that it could be a catalyst for a potential schism of the Ulster Project Workout Group. Apparently the papist contingent is putting a hard sell on Cory the Baptist for a conversion. “Sure, I love Sacred Heart Cathedral and attend regularly since I am sleeping with a parishioner, but as a Baptist, I am still used to having communion once every three months with grape juice in plastic cups”, reported Cory the Baptist. Father John continues to make a push for Cory the Baptist by pointing out the ability for him to enjoy a hearty and guilt free steak for lunch on Fridays during Lent. Everyone is hoping that such differences can be settled amicably with the Ulster Group so that they can continue their mission of saving other missing workout group members. As of this writing, the group is planning a mission to the hinterlands to seek out and return the notorious money changer named Gary Parker. Verily, it is written that the Lord smote Parker and he became cursed with excessive gas and flatulence and was banished to the wilderness of Blount County. Let’s hope the group can pull off yet another recovery effort with this lost soul.

Kenny - Missing in Action

After perfect attendance in January 2010, Kenny N. is once again MIA. If you have seen Kenny, please contact Brandon "Hank" Haun at Performance Training Inc. (http://www.performancetraininginc.com/) or Cherokee Country Club Fitness Center immediately.

Kenny Returns to Bootcamp - 100% January Attendance To-Date

Kenny has returned to the CCC MWF 6am BOOTCAMP after an extended absence. Initially it was reported on this blog that Kenny had been diagnosed with Male Yeast Infection (MYI). However, last night the AP WIRE reported the following:

In November and December of 2009 Kenny was being treated for sex addiction at a posh clinic down South, a journalist and author of a book on the affliction said yesterday.

Benoit Denizet-Lewis, a recovering sex addict, said a source with knowledge of the meat magnate’s treatment has confirmed Kenny was at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Hattiesburg, Miss.

Among Kenny’s first lessons, Denizet-Lewis said, was that the oft-questioned addiction to sex is very real.

"We mock or it we say it's not a real addiction," said the journalist, who regularly contributes to the New York Times magazine. "But it's very much the real deal."

The world's No. 1 meat magnate did not have an easy time of it as he tried to conquer the demons that led him to repeatedly cheat on his stunning wife with multiple women, Denizet-Lewis said. "He was not allowed to go and work-out with his buddies or cut meat in the morning during treatment," said Denizet-Lewis, author of "America Anonymous: Eight Addicts in Search of a Life," and his new book, "American Voyeur."

"He did like everyone else - got up early, ate the same food and went through the same emotions. ... It was really an intense experience," he said.
Denizet-Lewis, who chronicles people grappling with addiction, said Kenny felt intense shame at first.

Patients sign a "celibacy contract" that bans all sexual contact - including masturbation - while in treatment. Also included in the pricy program are 12-step meetings, arts-therapy sessions and brutal honesty.

"People tend to come in and be pretty freaked out," Denizet-Lewis said. "You arrive, and suddenly it hits you, 'My God, I'm going to rehab for sex addiction.' "
Despite widespread skepticism about rehab for sex addicts, Denizet-Lewis said the addiction is no less crippling than a bout with booze or drugs.

"You can put down a drink or a drug and not have to see it for a while," he said. "But you can't go anywhere without your genitalia or your brain - those are attached to you, even if they are small like Kenny’s”

The woodsy, fenced-in Mississippi clinic, which would not confirm Kenny's visit, is considered among the best at setting sex addicts straight, Denizet-Lewis said.
He added that no one should hold onto the "glib perception" that entering rehab for sex addiction is akin to landing a prize invite to an orgy.

"Trust me, you're not going to score a lot in sex rehab," he said.